What do you do when Real Life happens?
I’m going to be personal here, in this post. Because it’s about living life and we all have problems. And someone out there might be having problems. I want you to know you are not alone.
Back last June, at a back-to-back Con and writer’s retreat, I got poison ivy. Not a big deal. Steroids fixed it. I was fine in a week. But… Yeah. Real Life. The steroids messed up my body and my brain. I’ve heard of this happening to other people. Never had it happen to me. But I was also having other things going on, which I know contributed to my reaction. In June, my doctor took me off one hormone and put me on another, which messed up my brain and body again. My corn allergy took a different twist and forced some increased difficulties So. What happened?
First, I put on 20 pounds. Again, not a big deal. I knew it would eventually fall off. And it has except for the last 4 pesky pounds. My body developed irritation and inflammation in every part of me when any amount of corn got into my system. It made it hard to eat out. Sometimes it was hard just being in public, but that is small potatoes.
The brain part? Oy.
I have struggled with mild to moderate depression and panic attacks most of my life. A lot of us do. But the steroids did a number on me. It was like being in junior high school again with the intensity of the depression. And depression made me mean, so I needed to stay away from people to keep from, well, being mean. The worsening panic attacks made me freeze up in social situations even worse than usual, and I freeze up all the time. So this was a really bad freeze. I found myself running away from anything that was stressful. Like, literally leaving a room full of people at a run, without apology or explanation.
The only thing that made the mean depression go away (or made me forget about it) was to dive into a manuscript and stay there. For hours and hours at a time.
Unfortunately, that has side effects too. The lack of movement made it hard to lose the added weight, which in turn made the depression worse when I did break away from the writing. These things are a vicious cycle, I know. Balance is important . Balance in life, in work, in relationships, in food and drink. So I started exercising. I increased my panic-attack meds. Except for Dragon Con (which I *must* do for professional reasons), I saw only friends who I thought might understand. I went to bed earlier and got up earlier, which shocked my system and seemed to help. I took long hot salty baths to soak out the toxins. I paddled slow easy rivers. I searched for the Devine in the ways I know best, prayer and meditation and scripture. I gave myself a break, forgiving myself for mistakes.
Just so you know, I came out of it, for the most part, in late September. Now I am feeling much better. But it was four months of hiding hell. A few of my friends seemed to know what was going on. Some didn’t and I wasn’t able to explain. Because – you know – panic attacks. It was hard; it always is, getting through hard times. That is why hard times are called that and not called Whoop-ty-Do-Times. But I made it through. You can too. Find your balance. Find your peace.
And don’t forget the Swaggiest Swag and the Newsletter.
Hugs,
Faith
**Crossposted to www.magicalwords.net