12 Days of Beast!
I originally published this for the fans in December 2011. WOW! So Long Ago!!!!
So long ago in fact, that I rewrote it for this year, and to make it more gory, because I’m feeling a bit bloodthirsty this year.
On the first day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree. (licks muzzle. Good!)
On the second day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Two turtle doves, (small chomp and gone)
A partridge in a pear tree. (Good bloody chomp)
And the feathers still tickle Beast’s chin!
On the third day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Three French hens, (Birds stupid. Did not run. Easy prey!)
Two turtle doves, (Birds played in leaves. Beast is full. Beast save for later.)
A partridge in a pear tree. (Good bloody chomp)
And Beast ate! (Burp)
On the fourth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Four noisy birds, (Is good.
Three French hens, (Hens do not talk in French. Is strange)
Two turtle doves, (Doves are easy to catch, but Beast just chased away.)
Stupid bird in a tree,
And Beast is tired of eating fowl.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Five vampire heads! (Beast loves vampire meat! Vampire meat makes Beast STRONG!)
Four noisy birds, (Flew away. Beast does not care.)
Three stupid hens, (Snarls)
Two more doves, (pawed at birds. Stupid birds made twitter sound)
Another stupid bird in tree. (Feathers stuck in beast’s fangs. Beast belly sticks out like Beast is full of kits.)
On the sixth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Six Big Canada gooses, (Yawns. Beast ate gooses before. Ate one. Let others fly)
Five Vampire HEADS! (Beast is much stronger! And is also very full)
Four running deer, (Jane gave something different!)
Three plump rabbits, (Beast likes hares!)
Two turtle doves, (So many doves…)
Another partridge in stupid tree. (Beast may cough up a hairball on Jane’s bed)
On the seventh day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Seven swans a-swimming, (Beast left them in water. Beast does not want to swim.)
Six Big Canada Gooses, (Yawns. Gooses are boring.)
Five Vampire HEADS!!!! (Why is Jane killing so many vampires?)
Four running deer, (Chased them to work off fatness. Too much prey)
Three plump rabbits, (Did not eat. Do not care)
Two turtle doves, (are nothing like turtles. Humans are stupid)
Another partridge in a pear tree. (Beast walked away. Stupid bird.)
On the eighth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Eight milking cows, (Beast does not know why Jane sent milk cows but Beast shared one with Brute. Let others go. Is not good prey. Want to hunt wild cows with big horns!)
Seven swans a-swimming, (Beast left them in the water and RickyBo ate them. All of them. He looks silly with feathers sticking out of his black-leopard mouth.)
Six Big Canada gooses, (Yawns)
Five Vampire heads. (Jane must be at war, killing so many vampires.)
Four running deer, (Beast let stupid deer run.)
Three plump rabbits, (Beast regifted to Aya.)
Two turtle doves, (NOT turtles. Humans are stupid)
Another partridge in a pear tree. (Beast stares at stupid bird. Is too full to growl.)
On the ninth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me,
Nine grunting pigs. (Beast and Brute chased them into woods. Ate one together. Dead birds and animals everywhere. It stinking. See buzzards overhead.)
Eight milking cows, (Beast does not know why Jane send milk cows. Stupid prey are eating grass and making moo sounds)
Seven swans a-swimming, (Beast left them in the water. Even RickyBo is too full to eat them.)
Six Big Canada gooses, (Yawns. No one wants the gooses.)
Five Vampire HEADS! (Jane must be winning war.)
Four running deer, (Beast, and were-big-cats let them go for winter eating.)
Three plump rabbits, (Beast watched stupid hares run. Prey is stupid. Jane is stupid.)
Two turtle doves, (Beast snarls. They stay in leaves. Beast does not care.)
Another stupid partridge in another stupid pear tree. (Beast gives stupid bird to Rettell, RickyBo mate.)
On the tenth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Ten frogs a-leaping, (frogs are tasty!)
(Beast went to sleep. Does not care what Jane brings. Buzzards are everywhere. When Beast woke, stupid Buzzard was staring at Beast from tail-length away. Too fat and full to chase Buzzard.)
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Eleven silver bullets…? (Beast will not eat! Jane is stupid. Jane gifts are stupid. All stupid animals escape into forest. Beast hides from Buzzards to sleep. Stupid buzzards.)
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
The Dark Queen sent to me
Twelve alli-gators! (Beast and were-big-cats ate all alli-gators! So tasty! With big teeth and fast tails!)
Eleven Stupid Bullets. (Beast marked bullets with Beast pee. Stupid Christmas.)
Ten frogs a-leaping, (Frogs are nearly ex-tinct. Beast let them go. Stupid frogs.)
Nine bowls of oatmeal. (Stupid gruel. Beast does not eat gruel.)
Eight milking cows, (Beast and Brute watched them graze. Stupid cows.)
Seven swans a-swimming, (Stupid swans)
Six Big Canada gooses, (Stupid gooses)
Five Vampire heads! (Jane has killed all vampires. If she killed Leo, Beast will eat her. Someday. When Beast is not so full of prey.)
Four running deer, (Beast regifted to Aya. Aya and other were-big-cats walked away, shaking heads.)
Three plump rabbits, (Beast watched stupid hares run.)
Two turtle doves, (Beast hates stupid doves. Would rather have turtle. Later. When not so full.)
Another partridge in a pear tree. (Stupid bird. Stupid Jane. Beast hates Christmas.)
Happy Holidays y’all!